Essays

Case Against Gender

Disclaimer: This essay was written in a fit of anger and emotion. It is very selfish and opinionated, and is not the way I feel (most of the time). It is not meant to classify any friend of mine, only myself.

It is definately official. Women are evil bitches, and men are stupid ass holes. I’m the worst kind, too. There are really three kinds of men:

1. – Sensitive Pretenders – These are the guys who pretend like they are sensitive and caring simply so they can get a “piece,” or keep dragging the same girl along for successive “pieces.” Most of them are hot, which makes for quite the problem for women. They are the usual guys you see at parties or bars who are talking about how many phone numbers they got, or the women they have slept with before. They eye the good looking girls from afar, and try any dispicable thing to get the woman to succumb to their charm. They have an alarming success rate of about 25%, which is amazing considering that women most often complain about this group of men. If homosexuality is even hinted towards this group, they may react in sheer rage. You will often find this sub-gender wearing a shirt of their favorite beer, playing golf at the really cheap courses, or just acting in any typical ass hole fashion.

2. – Sexually Ambiguos Yet Perfect Guys – These are the guys who are incredibly good looking and extremely sensitive to a woman’s needs, so much so that the question of their sexual preference almost always comes up. For good reason, too, since 80% of this group do, in fact, turn out to be gay. Rarely will this turn away the woman, since the man still possesses all of the things they “never find in other guys,” just without the attraction. Since the man in this category so often complements the woman on how pretty she is, or how classy/stylish her outfit is, the woman will often be able to deal with the lack of physical attraction, or just play out the fantasy in her head. These men can often be found at clubs (dancing their hearts out), theatre events, or girls’ sleepovers.

3. – Lonely Self-indulgent Video Game Nerds – This is my group. This category is 100% heterosexual, not that it serves any good. They are hopelessly attracted to women and are genuinely caring and sensitive, yet they are, for the most part, unattractive, making them the least appealing of the three categories. When the rare opportunity strikes that a woman actually is attracted to them, they are often too stupid to notice, and will slip into a fit of depression over their missed opportunity, and continue to pine after the women who want nothing to do with them. Women will often tell them “you’re just like a big teddy bear.” They resort to dramatic, depressing , self-indulgent poetry; lonely, sappy songs; and video games to live out their fantasies. They can often be found at Best Buy or Funcoland, book stores (where they often purchase sci-fi/fantasy novels or current event books, in a desperate attempt to appear intelligent, another ploy to attract women), and, oddly enough, bars (rooting for their favorite sports team,mind you, not hitting on or talking to women. They would never have the balls for that).

Those are the three sub-genders of man, each one seemingly worse than the next. But the worst is not through. There are three kinds of women as well:

1. – Gorgeous Attention-Grabbing Ditsy Demons – These are the women who are stunningly beautiful and know it. They walk into a room, instantly grab the attention of every red-blooded male in the room (exception: Male Sub-Gender #2, see above). They search for insecure, lonely saps (often Male Sub-Gender #3) and manipulate him into performing odd jobs for them, such as refilling a soda, sharing food, or talking to other men (often Male Sub-Gender #1) for them. They will often go home with the Sensitive Pretender because they “just like to have a good time” but dislike the idea of commiting to anything major early in their life. They labor under the belief that they will be gorgeous for the rest of their lives, and therefore feel like when they are ready to “settle down,” they will do so and be able to do so. This Female Sub-gender can often be found surrounded by tens, hundreds, sometimes thousands of other gorgeous women like them in malls, front rows of music concerts, and on Reality TV Shows.

2. – Manipulative Insecure Pretty Girls – These are the girls who are genuinely beautiful, if not entirely for their looks, then also for their personalities, however, they are so insecure about that fact, they require the attention of men who will tell them they are beautiful countless number of times. If this woman cannot find a Sexually Ambiguos Yet Perfect Guy, they will often prey upon a Lonely Self-indulgent Video Game Nerd, manipulating him to say what they want to hear, then dropping him for a Sensitive Pretender, who will often treat her terribly. She will often say things like “I just want a nice guy” (bull shit), but in reality will stay with the Sensitive Pretender to fill her insecurity because she “just doesn’t feel that way” about the Lonely Self-Indulgent Video Game Nerd. She will often say “looks don’t matter to me” (ironically, this often occurs after asking “Am I beautiful?”), but 90% of the time, the opposite is true. They can often be found in malls (surrounded by Lonely Self-Indulgent Video Game Nerds), sporting events (dragged along by the Sensitive Pretender), or, in most tragic cases, hospitals with cases of anorexia and bulemia.

3. – Unattractive Intellects with Intense Personalities – These women are very plain and unattractive, mostly because they are often friends with one or both of the other two Female Sub-Genders and are therefore required to either in the case of Sub-Gender #1 – Tell men that their friend is in fact already seeing someone, or in the case of Sub-Gender #2 – Tell the Manipulative Insecure Pretty Girl how pretty she in fact is; in either case degrading their already low self-esteem. They often can be quite attractive, but in comparison to the other categories, get overshadowed quite a bit. Due to this sense of not measuring up, they will often have quite a lot of determination to become as intelligent as possible. They will also frequently have intense or “goofy” personalities to compensate for their lack of physical beauty, leading men to often say to them “you’re just like a sister.” They can often be found in bookstores (typically sci-fi/fantasy, where they have a better than average chance of encountering a Lonely Self-Indulgent Video Game Nerd), Renaissance Festivals, and Congress.

The case against Men and Women has been clearly stated, and the verdict seems obvious: All of them suck. Some may argue that the double negative of men being ass holes and women being evil would balance out, but in fact it doesn’t. The rare occasions where one of the men and one of the women meet, stay together, and actually believe they are compatible enough to wed, nearly 50% of the time they will later decide it was a mistake and end it in a messy and heartbreaking divorce. So what is the point you ask? That is a very good question, and one that I submit there is no answer to.

The prosecution rests.

Defense! Your witness.


Coming at an undetermined date – Case For Gender.

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