With all the people in this world, how is it possible to be so lonely? And why does one person’s opinion and feelings matter so much? Unanswerable questions.

I purchased some Bacardi 0, that new orange drink of theirs, and when I popped the cap, I expected some gorgeous black-haired, olive-skinned ladies to burst through my door and dance with me in a suspiciously sexual way, as their commercials seem to suggest. Needless to say, this did not occur, however, a few gorgeous …

I’ve learned that the key to going to a wedding is to make yourself better looking than the groom so that the bride will think “Why aren’t I marrying that guy?” Just kidding, Tim, you’re almost as attractive as me.

Do you ever find yourself thinking, “God, would it be all that bad if I had superpowers?”

There’s a business across the street from my apartment with these giant spot lights, and every time I go out to smoke, I mean, sit and enjoy the weather, I see these huge lights flashing towards the heavens. What on Earth do they need those for? However, they do give the illusion of an Aurora …

I can go through life without a lot of things, and cheese is not one of them.